Why Dave Matthews Band fans suck at life

I was fortunate enough to fit a trip to Colorado in my unemployed life a couple of weekends ago. This included a Rockies game, a viewing of 'The Dark Knight', a night of binge drinking in Fort Collins, and a trip to the 2-day Mile High Music Festival, headlined by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers and Dave Matthews Band. I'm going to get right to the point. Everything leading up to Sunday night's DMB set went excellent, except for the fact while I was watching the Roots and Pinback I could see, up on the jumbotron, John Mayer singing like his usual feminine self with his shirt off. This prompted some boos from my friends and I but this was the only negative thing that happened in four days before DMB performed, so I can't complain too much especially since I expected this sort of behavior from that douche bag. After watching the acts I previously mentioned I promptly used the over-flowed, disgusting honeybuckets one more time and purchased a new $8 beer and began to head towards the main stage to join the rest of the group who I had originally set up camp with at about one o'clock that afternoon. After about 10 mins of walking and working my way through thousands of people I approach the 'row' where I needed to be. As I'm about five or six people away from our blanket I encounter the three meanest women at the whole festival. The first one in my way is blond and probably weighs just over a hundred pounds. She puts her arms on the chair in front of her creating a roadblock and tells me to go around, she can't let anyone through. I said, "you don't understand, my buddies are on the blanket right over there." I even pointed them out to her. She responds with, "Sorry, it's not my problem." This began to irritate me and I said, "really?" She comes back, "really what?" I, happy that she fell for my trap, said, "really, you're this big of a bitch right now? My friends are right there and you're not going to let me through?" Once again, "not my problem. let it go and go around." Needless to say I was beginning to get pretty upset. This also prompted her other skinny, helpless, and no less bitchy friend to come over and get in my face and justify them not letting people through because they had been waiting 'all day' for Dave Matthews. Whoop dee fuckin do. I told her "Good for you. You must have a real cool life." I tried to push my way through but to no avail; these jerks weren't budging. Then out of the blue their hog of a friend comes over and gets uncomfortably close to my grill and she scared the bejesus out of me. Imagine Jabba the Hut with bigger and saggier tits with a cowboy hat on. She screams, in a Xerxes from 300 voice, "There's no room. Go away." Now I'm really pissed off with this group. Meanwhile Rob and Jeanie and the rest of my friends have been observing this whole situation and watched it unfold. I decide to just go for it and plow through the row of chairs and people in front of them. I don't give a shit who or what I step on because I'm so furious at these three women. I get my final say in as I pass by the trio of Satan's offspring. Something like, 'I hope you die in a fire that starts on your tits." I don't even remember what they said in response and I don't care because after all that mess, I made it. Once I returned I began to calm down and I thought to myself about what just happened. The whole encounter just did not sit right with me. The fact that three people can stand in an open-seating venue and turn person after person away because they've been there waiting for the headling act 'all day.' The audacity and the nerve that takes. What the f*ck gives them the right? Especially when it's one person who is trying to join up with his friends? I don't get it. Throughout the course of the show I noticed several other people become upset with others who were trying to get closer to the stage, but nothing to the extent of the situation I had to deal with earlier. Frankly, I don't understand what all the hype is about. I think DMB is compiled of arrogant, cocky, egotistical and overrated musicians who drag out their 'jam sessions' to the extent that it becomes annoying and unbearable to listen to. But then again, maybe that's why they attract the fans that they do. I sure as hell learned my math lesson for the day that night. DMB super extended set + brutally mannered DMB fans = no fun for me. F*ck 'em I'm out.

Welcome to "The Show"

Us Mariner fans have had very few bright spots to talk about as we approach the all-star break in this very forgettable 2008 season. Well we had one last Saturday. For those of you who didn't watch the M's 3-2 victory over the Detroit Tigers last Saturday you missed out on something special; so special this rarely happens to rookies.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jeff Clement; the catching phenom from USC the Seattle Mariners selected with the third overall pick in the 2005 draft. He actually made his major league debut last Sept but only registered 16 at-bats in 9 games. So far this year the numbers suggest he has been struggling as his batting average is a mere .185. I've watched him quite a bit so far this year and I'll tell you that number is deceiving. I can recall numerous occasions where's hit some balls very hard but right at the defense. He's been waiting for his 'break-out' game so to speak. He may have just had that game on Saturday. With runners on first and second and the Mariners already trailing 2-0, Placido Polanco singled into left field. Dane Sardinha was waved home by the third base coach as Raul Ibanez came up firing. By some unexplainable miracle his throw was online and almost in time to get Sardinha. It was only a perfectly executed block of the plate by Clement that prevented the Tigers from extending their lead. Later in the game Clement came to bat against Detroit starter, Armando Galarraga, who was still working on his shutout. Clement promptly spoiled his shutout attempt by connecting with a down-and-in fastball that was his third home run of the season. In the eighth inning Clement came to bat with the tying run on second, this time against reliever Fernando Rodney, with the M's still down 2-1. This time he hit a mistake change-up that drifted down and in, a very bad place to miss to a lefthander with power, 395 feet into the right field stands for his second homer of the game and one that propelled the M's into the lead. Morrow closed the ninth for his 7th save. Clement's final line; 2-4, 2 home runs, 2 runs, 3 RBI in a 3-2 win. He was the Mariners' offense that night. He also was greeted with his first major league curtain call and his first shaving-cream-pie-to-the-face during a postgame interview.

Hopefully this game boosts his confidence and acts as a turning point for him. Feel free to go on a hitting tear like we know you can for the rest of the season and prepare yourself to become a perennial figure at future all-star games. With that I leave him with this, "Welcome to the big leagues kid. You've earned it." You are the future of the franchise and hopefully your career includes many, many more special nights like this one.

The beginning of my NBA boycott...

"We made it," said the lying man as he flashed his sinister smile. "The NBA will be in Oklahoma City next season." These are first two public comments made by the man who purchased the Seattle Supersonics in 2006, Clay Bennett, after the judge ruled in his favor and allowed him to opt out of the remaining two years of the lease the team had with KeyArena. Good for you buddy. In about two years you succeeded in stealing the oldest professional sports franchise the city of Seattle has ever known from them. Being a Sonics fan, this makes me sick to stomach. Let's see if I can put together an accurate timeline of the series of events that led to this.

First; purchase the team from Howard Schultz for $350 million. Second; hire a bad coach (Bob Hill) that will surely lead the team to a losing season and begin to alienate the fans. Third; during the off-season, propose new and ridiculously expensive arena for team that will obviously be rejected. Before the upcoming season trade the team's best player for underachieving 'veterans', rookies, and draft picks. Also make no attempt to re-sign the second best player on the team and lose him to free agency. To make the off-season even worse, you fire the bad coach and replace him with a worse one (P.J. Carlesimo, whose attire sometimes makes me want to go Latrell Sprewell on him.) Then you're left with a team of young players with little experience who are poorly coached. The result? A 20-62 record (worst in franchise's 41-year history) and very poor attendance. From what I can see this was a perfectly executed plan to alienate the fans and purposely lose money in order to move the team to your hometown of buttf#ck nowhere.

What makes me want to boycott the league altogether is this was seemingly met with no resistance by the NBA commissioner, David Stern. He apparently couldn't care less about the history of the team and how important it is to members of the Seattle community. It appears that all he cares about is where he can get more money and that disgusts me that the greedy, scumbag, arrogant pigs of the world have won this battle. I can't talk about this anymore because I'm getting nauseous. I just hope whatever new colors/logo you choose that they look good with your overalls.